“Love is much like a wild rose,
beautiful and calm,
but willing to draw blood in its defense.”

Mark Overby

Saturday, November 21, 2009
treasure.

when will we treasure,
the ones who loved us so dearly,
and always by our side?

when will we learn,
not to take them for granted,
like a grain of sand on the beach,
as insignificant as it?

when will we understand,
that they are important,
like the heart that pumps blood in us,
which brings life to us?

when will we know,
that we need to hold their hands tight,
give them a hug and enjoy the time
together with them?

when will we?

when they are gone?
when they are lost?
when they no longer know you?
when they are not a part of our life?

a missing part of puzzle in us,
if we do not.

a wrench in our hearts,
if we do not.

a showering of tears,
if we do not.

a regret,
if we do not.

a lost,
if we do not.

treasure,
the biggest treasures in your life.

Friday, November 13, 2009
hiding

gone into hiding. keeping to myself. even i know that my actions and behaviour sometimes looks weird, but can't help it. trying hard to keep the mask on.

don't force me to take it off, i will look ugly. keep that good image of me. don't try to prise it off me. it's difficult for me not to wear it in front of people, because i have too much to hide. too much.

keep me in the hiding for the moment. if i feel i'm able to take the mask off, i will.

Friday, November 06, 2009
some things never change, like how leopards never change its spots and the earth never stop revolving.

and i'm one of the phenomena of unchanged matter. still as pessismistic as i was in the past. the core personality can never change, no matter how hard i try to hide and change. it's too inert to changes. i don't know whether is this a good or bad thing, but i just know, the core of me, is still me.

how i feel about people treating me, it hasn't changed either. it might be my proble, but this is getting on way too long. i had been hoping, to get to the other greener pastures. now, the hope seems like a small oil lamp, flickering in times of thunderstorms.

had been feeling on the low side. can't help it. everything seems dull and dark. nothing seems to be going right for me. though i know there is nothing wrong, yet i can't convince myself this is so.

not feeling myself at all. and my temper is getting worse. trying to find ways of anger management. if this goes on, i can't concentrate on anything. i had only been trying hard to act normal and forcing myself to be normal.

trying to find myself again.

finding hwee lin.
director: hwee lin
actress: hwee lin

what should i do?

Saturday, October 31, 2009
smile

it's hard to smile when you force it. to be frank, i am not happy at all. i am not. but i'm smiling all the time. laughing. but i am not truly happy. again, something is stuck in my chest and i can't get it out. so when you asked me the other day whether i was happy, i was sort of hesistant, within my heart. you may not realised and you probably thought i had a great time.

i've grown to realised that i have been ranting a lot ever since uni started. but i can't help it. long train rides to school and back home gave me ample time to think in depth about things in my life. i can't help but notice, that i have been in the shadow of my past. my past wasn't that bad, but every year, during this period of time, i feel anxiety and uncertainty. past experiences are just those dark gray shadows hovering over me.

once, i had hopes. but over the years, i lost all that hope. it is an important day. and year after year, bombshells had ruined my day. sometimes i feel i am such a baddie and i'm bullying people. but you can't blame me for reacting this way. because, you still don't know what i want. you don't know what is important to me. what i felt is that i am not important at all. i am totally not. i am soooooo not. such that my feelings can be ignored. what i wanted is not the superficial questions of asking for my opinions. i get that feeling that deep in all your hearts i am no longer important and those questions are just to let you smoke through. i felt ignored. this is not for me at all. this is not done for me. it's done just for making all of you happy. all of you kept asking whether i was happy.

let me tell you all this.

i was not.

if you have realised, i was on the verge of shouting. i was on the verge of crying. have you realised? i bet no. all of you are so engrossed in your own stuff. all of you didn't realised i was unusually quiet. however, undeniably, i was touched by all of you, only for that one minute moment.

for quite some time that day, i was thinking, "why am i here?"

when i think about this, my smiles are so fake. it's no longer me anymore. and i can't reconcile with myself anymore. why am i doing this anyway. making myself feel so unhappy. why was i there?

this was made for all of you. but just not for me.

i know nothing about all of you. and all of you know nothing about me.

i no longer can stay real. i find it hard to stay real. i was lying. i was just telling myself, i can't be this mean. i can't bring myself to be this mean then and words that came out are lies. which i thought were white lies. and i didn't realised it's gonna turn into staggers and stab me in my heart every year. 1 year is enough. i feel like a clown. i am just a clown, trying to satisfy all of your demands.

you know how hard to try not to cry? and i have been doing this quietly over these few days. i can't help it. the emotions swell up...it's too much for me to control. i need to vent it out badly.

let it all out.

only then can i face all of you with a true smile.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009
unplugged.

i am seriously disturbed by what someone told me, about myself. my mind in a swirl. it's like a stone stuck in my chest, or rather a choked up pipe. actually it's nothing big, and it's been sort of resolved but i just can't get over it. somehow. and i need to know why am i feeling this way. really disturbed by it. that's why i'm still up, thinking about it for so long.

it's that feeling when you know you are in the wrong yet you are looking for answers to justify that you are right? i'm feeling that way now. something similar happened to me about a year plus ago? that same feeling. pretty much horrible. and eventually i got over with it because i managed to convince myself that i'm right (and i don't even know if that's a good or bad thing). that stubborness and the reluctance to admit that you are wrong. i admit that it's hard to say you are wrong. it's really freakingly hard. but i did admit it. but still that feeling isn't away. i'm still trying to come to reconcilation with myself.

reflections. where has all the reflections gone to? the truth is, i know the reason why i behave this way, it's just that i can't say it straight in the person's face right? i bet he'll laugh like crazy. the reason is just too embarrassing to say out. LOL. it's difficult that's all. (the reason is because i'm shy? what kind of freaking reason is that anyway...LOL.) i know i shouldn't behave in that way but i can't control. that's all. YES. i found the reason. it's a misunderstanding and a wrong use of words and body language. in fact i sensed it pretty much from the start, just that i brushed the incidents off. Leave it dangling.

BOOMz. ha. now that i found the core of the problem, i am truly unplugged. the choked up pipe is gone. i can breathe freely. i nearly burst. like a balloon. it's time to use back my old outlet - you know, blog. LOL.

breathe freely.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009
hopelessness and helplessness come hand in hand.

when stress builds up, this happens more frequently nowadays. never felt this stressed before and i'm not doing anything to change stop myself from being stressed (i.e. by studying harder!).

i need motivation. i need a push.

but what i think i need now is sleep.

and i should stop tearing on the train. i look stupid. but i can't help it. relieve of pent up emotions. time to release it somewhere.

Friday, October 09, 2009
"When a deep injury is done us, we will never recover until we forgive. Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarges the future." - Mary Karen Read

when this comes from one who had been hurt by others badly... it makes you feel so bad of not being able to forgive others for minor things.

we understand, yet it's hard to do so. it requires courage...to forgive. a lot. it's never easy with the angst stuck in your chest, pounding badly on your heart, waiting to burst out loud. it takes courage to put the anger and hate aside, to truly forgive. even saying that, "i forgive" takes tremendous amounts of strength to voice out. i know it's difficult, but that's what i'm trying to do. putting it all behind. whenever you feel this way, ask yourself,

"who never ever made a mistake (besides God)?"

then the next question you should ask, " have you ever made any mistake?"

yes you did. reflect on the mistakes you've made, recall how people had forgiven you. and learn to forgive the ones who had hurt you, just like how others had forgiven.

that's when you realised, everyone is given a chance, like how you were given one.

no matter how big or how small, it is true that forgiveness heals. holding on to the hurt deepens the wound. it makes your world seem gray, bleak and hopeless. like walking on an ever-wounding path, with cloudy gray skies up above you. everything is lifeless and gray.the only path for you will seem to be down a road of revenge.

looking at all the attacks in the recent years, i see people holding to hate and hurt. Again, all in the name of the greater good. well done. what good have you done? sticking needles in others bring about greater good? killing thousands of people bring about greater good? i do understand that there's been injustice done and life might had seem unfair, but this is definitely not the right way to achieve what was started out to be for the greater good. it does not bring greater good.

but i know what hate can bring.

it creates more hatred in others against your own people, forming an ever-lasting cycle of hate-revenge-tears. it increases the sufferings for your own people as others discriminate them further.

inducing fear in people is NOT a solution. When one says inducing fear in people helps to achieve your motive and goal, remember that there are more ways to solve a problem and to achieve a goal.

sometimes,
let go, and you'll see greener pastures.
you'll see brighter paths, with green grass by the sides.
it's no longer one way. there's more, with the sun shining on you everywhere you go.

heal the hurt. let go and forgive. the sun is always there, as long as you blow the clouds away.

p.s. reading about mary karen read and the tributes reminded me of jaclyn once again. mary was remembered for her smiles. so was jaclyn. it reminded me of what i wrote on the ocip blog:

080209

the day a wonderful girl left us.

putting her very best in everything she did for the trip,
and a 120% for the children in thailand.

leaving in us,
fond memories of her and our experience.

braved through her toughest times...
a brave girl she was.

though she is no longer with us,
never can we forget her and her bright and dazzling smile.

we just can't forget...living in our hearts, the warmth she brought us.

how can i forget? the sudden sms that came and dropped a bombshell on me. re-reading and re-reading. looking at photos hurts. reminded that she's not with us anymore. i can imagine how the family and friends felt.

2 young girls of similar age, passed away. always remembered, by their smiles. we just can't forget.

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